Do you value what I’ve done for you?
That I’ve been true for you?
That I’ve come through for you?
After all of this shit I’ve been through
And I can’t believe it’s come to
The fact that I’ve got no fucking clue
What you think of my missing screws
Or the mildew in my head I’ve gotten used to
And I’m not trying to devalue you
Or undermine the shit that you’ve been through
I just really wish that you knew
I need assurance that you’ll be true
I just wish all that was inside me was see-through
Because I know some of the shit I do
Makes it easy to subdue my true point of view.
My actions cover up that I just want you
So how can I expect you to
Value what I’ve been through?
Slice into and review the twenty-two
Years I’ve been having to make do
When you don’t know what I’ve pulled through
You don’t know the world I drew
You don’t know what I’ve come to accrue
An inherent lack of trust, how could you?
It’s not like I’ve talked about it with you,
Every time I think about talking,
I get scared of what you’ll do.
Of what you’ll say
That maybe, possibly, probably
You’ll just run away.
Like the others do.
So I’ve been sticking to working through
My own world view of not trusting you,
And I see that that approach might get me to
Think that me and you
Just might not pull through
Because if you look at my past
And all these people that withdrew
From me, making me resort to
Thinking that, through and through,
People like you aren’t worth trusting,
Oh, I wish you knew,
What only a few words could do
If you could just tell me to
Understand that you’ll be as true to me
As I’ve been to you
I wish you could understand that what you do
Leaves an impact on me, makes me review
What I’ve seen before, gotten used to,
But my expectations can change because of you
Yet, I’m still washing off this past residue
Which is hard to get rid of because I’ve walked through
Some shady as fuck, unforgiving avenues
And when shit like that message from Sunday comes thru,
It just seems like you’re living up to
What I’ve tried to convince myself won’t be true.
So please speak to me
Let your words undo
The pain and fear that I have inside
Because I just keep on seeming to redo
These things that leave me terrified
All these mistakes I’ve become accustomed to.
And I know that you’re qualified
So you can’t try to deny,
The influence you have over me,
I just want you to satisfy
What I think you and I could be
But if you want to self-disqualify,
Admit to me that your reality
Is one where you deny
That our idiosyncrasies are in-sync
Then I guess I’ll have to say goodbye
Think of our time together a special treat.
And let you go, like the sun underneath the western sea.
But if somehow you are able to
See through the bulwark I’ve put before you
With my help, of course, I know I need to
Talk to you about what I expect you to do
But if you can stick with me
and show me it’s untrue
That you’ll just up and leave
And by doing that, undo
What I have tried to interweave
Then maybe I can relax,
Perceive that feeling of relief
Value what you’ve done for me,
And even start to believe
That we might grow a bit together
Even if that’s totally naive
We might help each other out
An idea difficult to conceive.
I’m honestly not asking much of you,
I just want a few basic words to
Prove the simple fact to me
That what you value between
Us, is that you and I are “we”.
Lauren Dixon 